Hit The Stove, Jack!
by JennH1
Summary: Snake, Otacon and Raiden start their own cooking show to promote Konami (?)... But ahead of them is a lot of problems.... (COMPLETED!)
1. It's A Wonderful Loaf

_

** For those of you who knew my fanfic ideas, you might have known of my idea of Solid Snake VS. The Olympics... well, since the Olympics doesn't really strike anyone anymore, I just made a fanfic on the stupidity of cooking shows instead!   
Enjoy!!

_

**Hit The Stove, Jack!**

Chapter 1 - It's A Wonderful Loaf

Hideo Kojima (Metal Gear Solid's creator, etc.) sat at his desk, tapping his fingers. "I got the moves, oh babyyyyy!!!" he sang to himself. Then, his office door opened, and in entered Solid Snake, Raiden (both in their traditional sneaking suits... duh) and Otacon (for no apparent reason). Kojima jolted, and immediately took the pink-clown-afro wig off of his head. "Oh, hello there gentlemen." he muttered, stuffing the wig into his desk.   
He cleared his throat and straightened up.   
"So..uh... why are you here again?" he asked.   
Snake sighed. "You said you wanted to talk to us," he grumbled, "Well, not Otacon, I dunno why HE'S here."   
Otacon laughed nervously. "I just had that feeling, you know? That I HAD to be here!" he giggled.   
Raiden shook his head. "He was on the computer until 4am again..." he sighed to Snake... and Otacon lowered his head. 

"ANYWAYS," Hideo said, beginning to pace. "I called you here because I just got reports from our accountant that Konami doesn't cover ALL the media genres." Snake shrugged. "So? How's that bad?" he asked. Hideo rubbed his head. How was it bad? HOW WAS IT BAD!? ...You see, to Hideo, Konami was like a wife, or at least a lover of some sort. ...That was because he couldn't afford his own love. Yup, the mail-order brides were way too expensive for him. Oh, Hideo, you devil.   
"It's BAD," Raiden interrupted, "because that way Konami can't take over the world!!" he said. Hideo jolted, and shoved the world map he also had into his desk. 

_ "No no no!! That's not it at all!!  
You see, because now that Metal Gear Solid 2 is... how to say;  
'old news' in the media world, and we can't even begin on Metal Gear Solid 3... or whatever...  
the staff and I have decided on a way to not only promote our Metal Gear series...   
but to ALSO promote good health and such in our gamers..."_

Hideo smiled proudly at himself for sounding so professional, then he tripped over his own feet. 

Raiden perked up. "So... we're having our own Fitness program!?" he asked all excitedly.  
Hideo stood back up, then shook his head.   
"Oh no no no no no!!!" he said, "You guys are getting your own... _cooking show_!!" 


	2. Takin' Care Of Biscuits

**Hit The Stove, Jack!**

Chapter 2 - Takin' Care Of Biscuits

Then, Raiden jolted. "C-Cooking show!?" But Snake and Otacon were busy sitting at Otacon's kitchen table, thinking about some show ideas. "What? Raiden, are you still flipping out about that? That was 5 weeks ago!!" Otacon exclaimed. Raiden blushed, smiled sheepishly, and sat back down at the table. "Sorry, it just blows my mind! I mean... a fitness program would've been a lot more interesting." Raiden groaned.   
"Yeah, but then we'd appeal to fruits..." Snake grumbled. "What? What'd you say??" Raiden asked. "I said, 'here, have some fruit'." Snake said gruffly, throwing a bowl of fruit at Raiden's head. Raiden caught it, laughed smart-alec-like, then Otacon interrupted them, clearing his throat loudly. 

"Cut it out you guys! N-No fighting!" Otacon said nervously, pushing his glasses up his nose, just like the Otacon we know and *cough* love. "I-I came up with an idea for our cooking show." Snake smirked lightly. "Oh, I can't wait to hear this." he snickered. "Hey! At least its an idea, old man!!" Raiden yelled. Snake stood up. "Shut up you little -- " "GUYSS!!!"   
Otacon adjusted his glasses again, he was getting very impatient. "S-Stop fighting guys, remember what happened last time?" Snake snuffed and sat back down. Yeah, they remembered what happened last time. When Snake and Raiden had fought before, the whole city thought that World War 3 had started, so prices for things like sandbags and bomb shelters went down drastically... wait, that was a good thing! If it weren't for that, Snake would still be living in his cardboard box!! 

"Alright, fine. What's the plan Otacon?" Snake grumbled. Otacon nodded, and read from his sheet of paper. 

_ "Well, uh... I don't have a title for our show yet,  
I was thinking of asking Hideo for some ideas, since your ideas are kind of...  
Anyways, our show will be a cooking show."_

Snake rolled his eyes, while Raiden sat there, totally engulfed in Otacon's plan. "Amazing. A cooking show... great idea Otacon..." he said, almost hypnotic. Snake shook his head. "Don't tell me that's all you have." he said. Otacon sighed. "Well, yeah, that's all I got. I don't see you guys doing any work, so... it makes sense doesn't it?"  
Snake stood up, and got his coat (?) on. "Hey! where are you going??" Raiden asked. Snake snuffed. "I don't need to go by a plan to be on a cooking show. I'm going to get Hideo, he'll know what to do." 

But just as Snake turned to leave, there was Hideo, standing infront of him... 

_ **--Oh no! I mean, yay? Huh? Why is Hideo there? Can he read minds, or is he coming to get back his TV trays that Otacon borrowed? Whatever, just stay tuned until the next chapter! HUZZAH!!--** _


	3. Bean There, Done That

**Hit The Stove, Jack!**

Chapter 3 - Bean There, Done That

Hideo read through Otacon's sheet of paper which had their show plan(s). _ "Hmmm... a cooking show. What a great idea. I wish I'd thought of it."_ he mumbled to himself. He then shook his head quickly, and sat up. "Well, this idea is quite perplexing Otacon! And what did you want again? Me to think of a title for this... show?" he asked. Otacon nodded. But Snake and Raiden (for some strange reason) didn't seem too excited about the idea.   
"Hmm.... a cooking show with Metal Gear characters..." Hideo said, tapping his chin. Snake glanced over at Raiden, who also didn't seem 'keen' on the show idea anymore. "What's your problem?" he asked him gruffly. Raiden shrugged. "I dunno. I'm just not interested in this cooking show idea anymore. Maybe it's the author trying to make at least some sort of climax with me." Snake nodded. "Yeah, she'll do that..." 

Hideo then snapped his fingers. "I got it! How about 'Down Home Cookin' With... Jam'?" Otacon shook his head. "No... that doesn't make any sense!" he sighed. Hideo chuckled. "Yeah, I guess not... Oh!! I got it!! How about..." Hideo stood up from his seat, and moved his hands as if he was wiping a big sign. "...'ZANZIBEAN!'"   
Snake jolted. "Zanzibean!? What kind of name is Zanzibean!?" he yelled. Hideo shrugged, and laughed at himself. "Yeah! Zanzibar : Zanzibean! It's funny!" Snake crossed his arms. "Hmf." he grumbled. Hideo's smile disappeared, and he slumped back in his chair. 

"Well," he said all seriously, "if you guys don't like my ideas, I should just leave. And remember, if you don't come up with a big show plan thingy for me on my desk by tomorrow, I'm...uh...um... doing something VERRRY bad!! So... uh..." Then he stood up and ran out the door, leaving Otacon, Snake and Raiden alone in the kitchen... 

----- 

The next day, Otacon, Snake and Raiden stood yet again in Hideo's office, stacks of papers up to their chins. They had worked all night on their cooking show idea.... well, at least Otacon had worked all night. Hideo then turned in his chair, and faced them. "Well! I see you have your show plans! Lemme see!" he said excitedly. The three of them stacked the papers on his desk, and he quickly looked through them. 

_"Hmm....mmm hmm... ah! Very nice!  
Just what I expected from you guys!  
Pure masterpiece!  
I love it! I really do!"_

Otacon smiled, blushing... he was so flattered. Of course, Snake and Raiden just laughed nervously, since they didn't do anything... except play Tic-Tac-Toes on all of Otacon's draft sheets. Ah well. When Hideo was done, he put his hands together and smiled contently. "You guys will make Konami proud." he said happily. Raiden snuffed. "That's what you said when I got hired for Metal Gear Solid 2! And no one likes me!" he yelled. 

Hideo shook his head. "Get out of my office." he sighed. 


	4. My Fair Ladle

_**Oy! Sorry about the slow beginning chapters, but that's how it is with my fanfics! "Start out slow, end up strong!"_  
_***And again and again, sorry about the uh, gross Raiden stuff... it's just that-- AIEEEE!!! *LOL*_

**Hit The Stove, Jack!**

Chapter 4 - My Fair Ladle

Some of the Konami staffers were now decorating the studio for the new cooking show, as Hideo was talking to Otacon about how he wanted the show to be set up. 

_"So..."_ he began.  
_"You, Snake and...uh... what's his name... the fruit. Yes. You all are going to be in this show."_

Otacon rolled his eyes. He already knew that. 

_"And anyways, how I have it set up;  
You stand here, in the main area, and wait till the music starts,  
then, you introduce Snake, who will then come out over here..."_

Hideo walked around, showing Otacon the places where the others were going to appear. 

_"I haven't decided about Raiden yet, but he should stand here,  
next to the dead emu carcasses."_

Otacon nodded. "Got it." he said. Hideo nodded approvingly "Good." he replied. Then they waited for the little break-thingie because this was very boring. 

***

Meanwhile, Raiden was in his 'dressing room' sitting without any pants in his dressing room... chair. He stared downward and smirked. "You know..." he said slyly "I still think the Fitness show was a better idea... Really Raiden? ... Oh yeah. Such a great idea." he then made kissy faces to himself... augh. "And I could've done it all by myself too." he then stood up, and looked at himself in the mirror. "I mean, look at me! I'm so... so... pretty!!" he then sighed in awe at himself, and flashed a smirk. "You devil, you." he said.   
Just then, a loud bang was at his door. He jolted, and quickly got his sneaking suit pants back on. "W-Who is it??" he asked, putting on his pants, and then realizing he was putting them on the wrong way. "It's Rose hunny...uh... bunny!" a voice said outside the door. 

"Rose?" Raiden asked, now getting his pants on the right way. "Yes, Rose you dork! Rose, as in your GIRLFRIEND??" she yelled. Raiden nodded. "Oh yeah! Rose!" he said, adjusting his pants and opening the door. Rose then pranced in, and acted all girly.   
"So!" she began "I hear you're starting your own cooking show! Well, not your OWN cooking show... you know what I mean." she sighed. Raiden nodded. "Yup. A cooking show!" Rose then continued to prance around the dressing room, more fruitier than Raiden, then she looked at herself in the mirror. "You have a nice dressing room." she said, as she reached into her pocket. 

Raiden nodded again. "Yup. A cooking show! -- I mean, uh, thanks." he said. Rose then began to smile evilly. "To bad it won't be yours..." she sneered. Raiden looked at her confused. "What?" he asked. Then, Rose turned to him quickly, taking a tranquilizer gun out of her pocket. 

"That's right... it'll be mine. ALL MINE!!!! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!" Then Rose began to laugh evilly for a long time... but when she stopped, she realized Raiden had run away. 


	5. Burger, She Wrote

**Hit The Stove, Jack!**

Chapter 5 - Burger, She Wrote

Rose chased after Raiden through the entire studio. "You can't get away from ROOOOSSSSEEEE!!" she called after him. Raiden kept running. "Y-Yeah? Well, my codename rhymes with... Raiden!!" Raiden called to her. Rose gasped. "Really? Well my name rhymes with--!!" but then, Rose stopped running. Raiden stopped too, then turned to face her. "R-Rose?" he called. But then, Rose collapsed.   
Raiden froze. "Rose....?" he called. But Rose didn't move. The Konami staff walked slowly up to Rose, as Raiden stood where he was, not moving. Hideo went right up to her, and put his finger on her neck. Then he shook his head. 

_"It's too late..."_ he sighed. _"She's dead."_

****

Raiden sighed all depressed as he sat in the waiting room... but what he was waiting for is a mystery. I mean, Rose is dead. What was he waiting for? To see if she'd come back to life or something? Snake came by and patted Raiden on the shoulder. "It's going to be alright." he said, "At least she didn't die a stupid way, like Sniper Wolf."   
Otacon snuffed. "Hey! Her death was glamorous! What about Meryl? You don't even see HER die!" he yelled. Snake crossed his arms. "That's because her death was too good for anyone to see." he replied. 

"It's too late anyways. She's gone. Rose was the only thing I had, and now she's..." his eyes began to water. "I knew the fitness show was a better idea." Otacon pushed his glasses up his nose. "Look, she may be gone, but the memories will always last." he said. Raiden nodded, sniffling. But just when Snake was going to do his classic "I am Solid Snake the smartest person in the world" speeches, the doctor (?) arrived.   
"Hello, Mr... Raiden?" he asked. Raiden stood up, as Snake and Otacon snickered. But hey, it's not my fault I don't know Raiden's real last name. Blah. "Y-yes?" he asked. The doctor nodded. "Hello. We have found out Rose's cause of death. She choked on a fly." he said. Raiden sighed and looked at the floor. 

"At least its not a stupid death, eh Snake?" Otacon snickered, as Snake covered his mouth, trying not to laugh out loud (which was a first for him). Raiden's eyebrows narrowed. "Thank you doctor." he grumbled. The doctor nodded again, then strutted off like a chicken. Raiden faced the others. "Guys... you can cut me out of the show." he grumbled. Otacon jolted, as Snake just stood there. He could care less.   
"What? But... why?" Otacon asked. "..B-Because..." Raiden paused and looked at Snake, who stared back at him, still trying not to laugh. "YOU!!" Raiden yelled... now Snake jolted. 

"You did this to Rose! I knew it was you!!" he screamed. Snake shrugged. "But, it wasn't me! How could I kill someone if I wasn't even there?" Snake asked. Raiden shook his head. "You make the impossible possible, don't you Snake!?" he said, starting to sound a little crazy. "I replaced you in Metal Gear Solid 2! But now you can't take it!! AIEEEEEEE!!!!!" Then, Raiden lept at Snake. 

Otacon stood in awe, as the two guys left the hospital, punches and kicks and what-have-yous flying at eachother... 

_ **--Eep! This doesn't look good! Who will win the fight? Snake or Raiden? Or will someone be able to stop the fight before one of them really gets hurt? And what happened to the cooking show idea? Stay tuned for ... uh... the next chapter? *scary music plays*--** _


	6. Give Peas A Chance

**Hit The Stove, Jack!**

Chapter 6 - Give Peas A Chance

Snake and Raiden rolled on the pavement outside of the hospital, punching eachother and yelling at eachother like you wouldn't believe. Well, maybe you would believe it. "You're toast!!" Raiden yelled. Snake grumbled and punched him in the cheek. "Yeah, well you're double toast!" Snake yelled back. "Yeah?? Well you're TRIPLE toast!!" Raiden yelled louder, slapping Snake's thin cheek.   
Snake then flipped Raiden and threw him into a brick column near the emergency exit. He snuffed. "Well, you're FRENCH toast." Snake said proudly. Raiden then scrambled to stand, blood dripping out of his mouth. "French toast?" he asked. Snake sighed. "It's been a long day..." 

Otacon then ran out to them from the hospital. "Guys!! Stop it!!" he screeched. Snake and Raiden blinked at him. "We're done." Snake said. Otacon pushed his glasses up his nose. "Oh...yeah... well, uh, listen, don't fight with eachother ok? I just got a call from Hideo, and he says he wants us in his office! And don't forget to bring a KFC Mega Meal... you know how he feels about those brownies." he said. Snake and Raiden sighed. Hideo always hogged the brownies. Hogged them like a hog, he did. 

***** 

Otacon wiped some sweat off of his brow. It was quite a long drive from the hospital to the Konami main building thingie. He just couldn't take it anymore. Snake reached over and turned down the heat. "Sorry, you too hot Otacon?" Snake asked. Otacon sighed. "No, no. I'm ok." he replied, amid his overly steamed glasses. How he managed to drive was anyone's guess.   
"I-I just can't believe Raiden is over Rose's death already. It's only been what, a chapter?" Otacon asked. Snake chuckled, and glanced at Raiden who was in the back seat, all by himself, listening to the Magic School Bus soundtrack on his CD player.   
"Yeah. But I thought he'd be fine. What with his interest in men and all." Snake snickered. Raiden sneered, then leaped over at Snake, his arms wrapping around his neck in a choke hold. Snake yelped, as Otacon jolted and tried to keep control of the vehicle. "Guys!! What are you doing!? I mean, driving with fogged up glasses is hard enough!!" Otacon screeched, the car veering side to side on the road. Raiden then reached down and undid Snake's seatbelt, and also undid his own. Then, almost immediately, he opened the door on his side of the car, and leapt out with Snake..... 

.....Right in the way of a transport truck........ 

_**-- Eep! I don't like the way this is going!! Now you have an actual GOOD excuse to read the ending!! Oooh.... --** _


	7. The Grateful Bread

**Hit The Stove, Jack!**

Chapter 7 - The Grateful Bread

**BAM!!!!**

The cameras turned off,  
The staff rushed over to see what had happened.  


_"He's hurt!!"_ said one voice.  
_"No duh."_ Said another.   
_"Well, Do CPR on him at least!!"_   
_"No way!! Then what do you want me to do!? Marry him??"  
"Well, you better think of something fast! The muffins are burning!!"_

Raiden groaned, and opened his eyes. Soon enough, everything came into focus. Above him he could see Snake, standing near his head, looking off at Otacon, who was busy trying to put out the muffins that were on fire with an extinguisher. "The bran sure burns pretty fast!!" Otacon laughed. "You won't be laughing when you see the pike Hideo Kojima's gonna put your head on!" Snake grumbled back.   
Raiden groaned again, to get attention. "Here...! You're extinguishing all wrong!" Snake sneered, as he marched up to Otacon. Otacon handed him the extinguisher, and Snake resumed putting it out. Raiden then sighed angrily. "GUYS!! I'M CONSCIOUS!!" He screamed. Otacon jolted, a huge exclamation mark appearing over his head, then he rushed to Raiden. 

"Raiden!! You're awake!!" Otacon then turned to Snake, who was still trying to put out the fire. "He's awake, Snake!!" he yelled. Snake nodded. "Yeah... just stab me with a rake... so I won't bake anymore cakes..." he muttered to himself. Otacon helped Raiden sit up. "A-Are you OK? Want me to uh... get you anything?" Otacon asked. Raiden rubbed his head, and stood up. "What happened to me?" he asked.   
Snake then got fed up with the flaming muffins, and threw them in the freezer. He dusted his hands, then went up to Raiden. "You got bashed in the head with a muffin tray." Snake replied. "Well, how!? Did someone throw it at me??" Raiden asked demandingly. Snake's eyes lulled away, as Otacon stared at Snake expectantly. "Uh.. t-that's not important. What IS important is that you're alive... well, that's not really important either..." Snake said. 

Otacon then stepped forward, a spotlight appearing on him.

"What Snake means is; in life, there are no winners, no losers,  
no chocolate bars that taste like Pina Colada..." 

Snake then nudged Otacon over a bit. He leaned towards his ear a little. "Sorry Otacon, but I do the speeches. I always have. You just stick with the...uh... Chinese or whatever sayings." he grumbled. Otacon nodded. "Deal. Just like what that coconut tree said in that funny comic I read yesterday: _'No meat touching ma'am.'_" Otacon chuckled to himself, as Snake smiled sheepishly then nodded him off. Otacon stopped laughing, and slumped away. 

_ "Anyways,  
What I MEAN is,  
It shouldn't matter if you win, lose, or have no chocolate bars that taste like Pina Colada..."_

Otacon huffed angrily. Snake laughed uneasily. 

_"Um...What DOES matter is,   
Is that you're alive,  
And as long as you choose life,  
Nothing can stop you...  
Not even a crappy show like Zanzibean."_

The spotlight then faded away, leaving a very angry Raiden and Otacon. Snake shrugged. "What?" he asked gruffly. Raiden shook his head. "That didn't have anything to do with... ANYTHING!!" he screeched. Snake took out a cigarette. "It's been a long day...." he sighed. 

*********

They all then stepped into Hideo's office the next day, as he sat there expectantly, big clown sunglasses on his head. "Back? Again?" He asked, "How come?" Raiden and snake kept in the background, as Otacon stepped up and left a bunch of papers on his desk. "We don't like the cooking show idea anymore." he sighed. Hideo nodded, as if he understood. Which he did... because he's Hideo. He knows EVERYTING. Well... he knows his name at least. At least... I hope he does. Anyways...   
Hideo nodded. "Yes, I figured as much. Cooking shows just aren't... 'chic' anymore. But I know WHAT is!!" he laughed as he took a big book out from a drawer in his desk. Otacon, Raiden and Snake approached his desk, and looked at the book. It was what they all feared.... 

"That's right!!" Hideo gleamed. "Metal Gear Solid 2 : SONGS Of Liberty!! Get the whole MGS2 staff together!! I'm makin'... a MUSICAL!!!!" 

**THE END!**

* * *

**Note From JennH - Ahhh!! End of yet another story!! And yes, I'm thinking of ACTUALLY writing the MGS2 musical!! Ahhh ha ha!! But it might take a while so.... who knows? Maybe I will... maybe I won't!!**

--Oh yes, and what parts of this fanfic was Raiden's dream? I'll let you figure that one out yourself..... :) 


End file.
